How to be a Great Shoe Store Customer (or; teach your 11-year-old to tie a fucking bow)

The first thing to ensure, as you loftily make your entrance into the store, is that the store in question is about to close. Look at the sales lady (or man. Stereotyping is a crime) closely. Is she/he/it vacuuming?

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Counting the till? Trying to close the doors? But it’s only 5.29 and they don’t’ close until 5.30! Perfect timing for you, though. Bonus points if you commando-roll under the door as it closes (this has actually happened . . . almost. It was an old lady. Welcome to Campbelltown).

Make sure you grab the salesperson’s attention and ensure they halt whatever task they’re undertaking to listen to you complain about your bunions.

Why are the shelves empty? You’re closing down? But you have hardly any school shoes left! Yes, I get that you’re closing and I’ve had six weeks to pull my shit together and it’s my own fault that I’m a shitty disorganised parent who blames others for my own misgivings, “but I need them and you don’t have them, so what are you going to do about it?” (actual quote).

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This is a great time to have your children’s feet measured. All six of your kids could do with a measure actually, even though you’re only planning to buy for one of them. “What’s that? You need to close? Don’t worry, we won’t be long”. Oh look! Little Johnny is stabbing the salesperson in the back (literally) with his fork! How cute

What was that? She was supposed to close ten minutes ago and has an appointment to get to? “Honey, you’re going to make a sale out of this, so why don’t you just do your job and help us find school shoes (even though it has long since been established that you have none)” (actual quote also).

Okay, we aren’t going to find school shoes here – how about runners? Wait . . . what do you mean this store doesn’t stock velcro runners in size 5? He can’t tie his laces! This won’t work. What will we do (note from author: fucking teach your eleven year old to tie a bow)!?!

Okay you’ll just buy thongs for your husband instead. If these are the wrong size, you’ll just bring them back tomorrow? No? Closing down means no returns? You’d better add in at this point that some or all of the company’s policies and procedures are ridiculous. Spit when you say the word, just for good measure. Oh shit, you left your wallet in the car. Better ask the sales lady/goat/cow/whatever to wait while you run to the car park and grab it. “What? You were supposed to close 20 minutes ago?”

You’ll be back in the morning.

“Put those on hold please”.

🙂

-Claire

PS: I need therapy . . . or maybe I’ll just start a subreddit :/

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